88 days

88 days, sober. 
88 days, without a hit.
88 days, challenge.
88 days, torment.
88 days, wanting to cheat.
88 days, having the opportunity to cheat.
88 days, remembering of what is important.
88 days, cravings intensify.
88 days, starting to feel like I will make it.

Some people do not seem to understand that food addiction is quite like alcohol addiction. It is a constant struggle and a pain in the ass!   I have trouble with will power.  After coming off an extreme (in my opinion) detox, knowing I can re-introduce foods was a great moment!  I could not wait to have some rice and peas, some good cooked foods, some REAL food!  But what happened was that little voice in my head, Gary, said, ''you can have some junk foods too, just a bit?  Maybe the healthier junk foods. No chips or fries, but what's wrong with just a burger?''  And I say out loud, ''NO!!''

I go to my acting class every Tuesday night. After class, I am so tempted to have a slice of pizza from the pizza place next door to the acting studio.  I manage to walk past it and get in my car.  But as I drive, Gary says, ''Just a bite of something!'' He tries to take control of the car and make me stop to buy something, but I have to overpower him and drive straight home. Sometimes I might have some carrot sticks and I would eat those, or I drown Gary with water to the point I feel so full I cannot eat even if I wanted to.

Another thing, would you expect to see a recovering alcoholic working in a bar?  Well that is my issue as well.  No, I do not drink and never was an alcoholic, what I mean is, I am an food addict and I work in a family owned Caribbean grocery store!  We sell so much good tasting things!

From hot Jamaican patties...

...to spice buns...

...to Trinidad style Doubles and Chicken roti!

 

 

Jamaican patties have about the same nutritional value as a Big Mac! I would eat 2 as a snack. The Spice bun would be breakfast, plain and simple.  Trinidad style doubles are SOOO good, those are the yellower ones in the pic.  They are curried chick peas between two slices of 'bread' called bara, that is deep fried. The roti is THE best!  It can be curried chicken or goat in a roti, which is like a huge pita bread but better!

 

So you see my dilemma! Especially when I am hungry at work.  There is also something called rock cakes (The pic I took did not come good.).  It is a huge coconut cookie that comes in 2-packs or 6-packs.  2-pack is a snack and 6-pack would be meal.  This is how I use to eat!  I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!

 

I will be leaving my job in January.  Not for these reasons of food addiction, but for other personal reasons and choices.  But to get away from the temptation would be a huge benefit to me as well.  Think of the smell of your favourite food. Smell it everyday and constantly have to make the choice not to eat it. 

 

88 days, done.

88 days, over.

88 days, deep breathing.

88 days, one day at a time.

88 days, just the beginning.

Finally pics are up!

I Finally loaded my pics!  Find them in my pics section!  These are my October 1st weigh-in at 289 pounds.  Now, watch me change! Funny how when I see my own pics, I want to push harder to look better for the next set of pics I need to take! 

October Update

As of October 1 2013 I am down to 289 pounds!  It is not a staggering amount of weight lost since July 1 2013, where I weighed in at 307 pounds, but a pound lost is a pound lost!  I am turning up the workouts for October and I will have a better loss for Novembers weigh-in.  Also, pictures will be coming soon!  I had to re-take pictures since my old computer with all my pics is not working anymore! 

This was also suppose to me a video update but I have been under the weather lately with a flu and now got some sort of virus today.  But NO EXCUSES! This is not going to hold me back!  I will post a vid soon, pictures coming within the next few days or hours too. 

Eating without fear, guilt, shame OR TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE!!!

You may or may not have come across my blog post from last year around this same time,
http://thislifebeginsnow.blogspot.ca/2012/08/the-day-my-wife-caught-me-cheating.html.  It is about me and how my wife caught me cheating on my diet and how it has really effected me/us and my promise to NEVER do it again! (I notice I am a big fat hypocrite after typing this!)

Well, fast forward to this past end of June and my wife finds out that I was doing it again.  Eating other foods outside, like junk foods and I mean the worst kinds! So she did a one-on-one intervention with me.  She wanted me to do a Raw food detox and that since she is a health coach, to let her help me.  I said ok for different reasons.  I wanted to make a change in my diet but going on the raw food detox, well, I did it mainly because she wanted me to.  I felt like I owed it to her to do the detox, but along the way, I saw it as I NEEDED to do this to save my life! NOT JOKING! My life depended on it.  And I am thankful I have such a supportive wife to help me on my journey.

I have done raw before for 30 days and it was fine, but this time was hard.  I wanted to cheat SO SO bad, but I know how much I have riding on my this.  I have not lost a huge amount of weight since doing the raw food detox and I think that is mostly because of toxins in my body.  But I have finished with the detox this past Saturday and re-introduce cooked foods back into my eating plan.  So this week, I had a cauliflower mash.  It is a mashed potato replacement.  It was so good, but I ate too much of it for my first day back on cooked foods and my stomach was heavy!  I will stick with the green juices everyday and sometimes smoothies too.

But all this to say, I have finally come to see that for the past 35 years, I have always been eating to please others.  There lies the fear of being caught when eating out. The guilt of knowing I should not be having that piece of cake.  The shame felt when it is found out by people I love and I feel that I 'let them down.'

The past two Wednesdays, I was doing a First Aid class for work.  I took my smoothie and my green juice with me.  Nearby is the Atwater Market, where they have fresh farmers produce, fresh meats, a bakery and a real nice gourmet pizza place!  Yes, I could have eaten junk, but I didn't.  Yes, I could be lying to you right now, but I'm not. This blog is here to keep me accountable for the things I do! To potentially help someone else by seeing my flaws on my journey. 

I did buy something though, I bought a container of fresh strawberries! No it was not organic but I ate it without any hesitation!  I ate it consciously and savoured every bite.  For that half hour I was eating strawberries I felt free.  Liberated.  I know what I am doing THIS TIME! This time, I am eating for me!  Anyone, ANYONE else can get mad, sad, upset or whatever other emotion you can think of, over what I eat.  BUT I will not eat something or refrain from eating something because of someone else.  NOT ANYMORE!!! I had non-organic strawberries and I enjoyed it GUILT FREE!  Now, you might be thinking, 'what is the big deal with non-organic strawberries?'  The 'big deal' is that I just finished a DETOX and eating non-organic is putting the chemicals back into me!  That's why.  But what is done is done and I have no regrets.

 

I know that Thanksgiving is coming up, as well as the holiday season.  I will make my choices as to what I eat out.  I will make conscious decisions.  I am tired of avoiding going to certain social gatherings because of wanting to look good and not eat certain things.  I will eat the foods I know is best for me.  The grilled veggies, the salad, a piece of chicken.  NOT the mashed potatoes and gravy or the dinner rolls.  But this is not tomorrow or even the day after!  I am still doing the reintroduction of foods for the next couple of weeks. One food at a time, so quinoa tomorrow, then detox for a day, then chick-peas the other day and detox the day after that.  So I can see if the foods I reintroduce effect me in any way.  Last time I did raw, over a year ago, after that, I had my mothers rice and peas and I was ready to pass out like it was Thanksgiving dinner!  So I want to see how each food effects me.

Now I choose to eat with pleasure.  I totally savoured these strawberries.  I wanted it all week long.  That morning when I woke up, I was patiently waiting for noon so I could go have my strawberry orgasm.  I did and I enjoyed it!

Here is the cauliflower mash recipe: http://spiritedgreenmama.com/2013/09/22/cauliflower-madness/

Realization in the metro

This past Tuesday I started an acting class and it was so much fun.  It was down-town and the teacher told me it would be better to take public transit than to drive because of parking.  Well several things happened with my journey in the Montreal transit system.

First, this was the first time in years (8 years minimum) since I took bus and metro in Montreal.  Usually I drive everywhere I need to go.  So there was some changes, mostly with the method of payment.  There is a new card called an OPUS pass.  Well, my wife had one and told me to just put some money on it and away I go on the metro.  I went to the teller and she said that the card is expired.  How can a card you need to charge up be expired?  She said it expired last year and to just throw it away.  She can sell me a new OPUS card for $6, plus whatever amount of money I want to put on it.  But a one-way pass is $3. So I just bought a one-way pass and off I went.  The metro seemed to have gotten dirtier in the past couple of years. Mostly graffiti and old news papers flying around.  On the plus side was an automated voice that stated the name of each up coming station.

On my way back home I could not get over how many people had earphones on that were connected to cellphones.  Nearly everybody was either listening to music or playing games or reading on their mobile devices.  Ok, when I was in school, we all had a Walkman (remember those?) or cd players.  But hardly anybody was sitting still just 'being.'  It was interesting to look around at everyone and see the trouble they have to just disconnect and BE.  Luckily for me I forgot my earphones at home and could not listen to music on my journey.  Especially on the bus, people without earphones would continually look at their cellphones from time to time. 

Yes, at times I have trouble disconnecting as well.  But not to the point of obsession.  I do not have a data plan on my phone, so if there is no free Wi-Fi well, my phone is just a phone! There are games and music on it, but I am not constantly on it and I do not have time or patience for a game.  It really feels good to just be sitting there, or better yet, go for a walk without the distraction.  I love going for a walk with my phone in my pocket and no earphones on.  Just letting my mind be free to wander, to look around and truly see the sights around me, to consciously take a deep breath and feel the freshness of the air and most importantly, hear any oncoming traffic as I cross a street!

The last realisation I had was how bad out of shape I am in! Oh man! Time to turn up the dial on my workouts!  The travelling was fun, just too late for me.  Being the father of two girls, I am home early and in bed even earlier.  So when the class is over and I travel back home, 10:30 at night feels like 2am for me.  But that is not the out of shape part.  The out of shape part came the next day when both my legs were sore!  My calves were hurting going up and down a flight of stairs! Even sitting on the toilet was hard to do.  I decided to make my workouts better and modify less.  So instead of stepping up from down-dog position to bent barback, I started jumping up.  Instead of 3-count push-ups on the knees, I started 3-count push-ups no knees unless absolutely necessary.

As for the acting class now, that was a blast!  I had so much fun and I cannot wait for Tuesday's now.  It really got me out of my comfort zone. There was even a point when the teacher called upon me to present first.  That was hard for me.  But I got up there, did my thing and it was great!  This was only the first class!  Going from a shy guy to a more confident guy seems like a fun journey!  What changes and revelations will next class bring!

WHY have goals and rewards

Last night I posted about setting goals and having rewards.  Today, I was asked why.  Questions like, 'Rewards seems so childish.  Do you as an adult really NEED a reward?  Why? Why can't you just attain your goal and let that be the end of it?'  Well here is why. 

First let me start with goals.  Everyone should have goals in life.  No matter what your age, gender, capabilities, WHATEVER!  Goals are needed.  Think for a minute if you had no goals to attain.  Would you feel fulfilled?  Would you feel happy?  Just living from day to day without any point, without any direction?  That is no way to live. Trust me, I know!  For the longest while in my life, I did not set any goals.  Just went to work, came home, ate, slept.  What kind of life is that?  Seems pretty boring... and it was. 

With goals, it gives me the feeling of accomplishing something.  It makes me feel important.  It gives me purpose.  I feel alive with goals.  To look ahead and see in the horizon, my goal being attained.  To look back and see the road that got me here.  To look at where I am going AND to openly accept that hurdles will show up and it is up to me on how to jump over it, or stumble, fall down and get back up again.  Goals give me a drive, it makes me feel alive, it makes me feel important.

Now for the childish topic of rewards. Rewards do not have to be an extravagant thing.  Make it something small.  My example was that of going to see a movie or watch a television program.  If you are going to do those things anyways, why not make it a reward for attaining a goal?  It will be much more pleasurable to know you had to work for it.  I have not gone out to see a movie in the longest while! But with the goals and rewards it gives me something to look forward to.  I was already planning on watching the Doctor Who Special online in November, so why not make it a reward? If I do not reach my goal, well, no Doctor Who!  It is something I really want to see and since I put it as a reward it will really help me to stay focused and achieve my goal. 

Think of a boxer, his goal is to be the best! The reward is the title belt, money, fame and women! Ok money, fame and women are kind of a second reward, but in his goal to be the best, to be the top boxer, the reward is standing tall with the title belt wrapped around his waist.  The belt represents that he has attained his goal of being the best.  It makes his view on his uphill battle all the more worthwhile.

Rewards, when kept reasonable, can be a great motivating factor! It is for me.  Is it childish?  Maybe and that is ok with me. Because with goals and rewards I feel alive and I am enjoying my life. 

I know I could have easily edited my last post and put this on there too, but I think this information was worthy of its own post.

Goals and rewards

There is nothing better than a reward, especially when that reward is for reaching a goal!  All my rewards in the past use to be food.  Ever since I was a kid, the reward was food. 

Passed a class                                = food
Was nice to my sister                    = food
Helped out around the house         = food
Got my drivers licence                  = food

So when I decided to change my life and put some goals in, it was quite the challenge to find a reward that was not food. I remember just a few months ago starting this and saying to my wife, 'I don't want anything.  I would just rather go Chinatown and have green curry chicken!'  Of course that did not happen.  But since then, I have decided that when I reach a goal, I would put money aside for something that I would want at a later date. 

For example, I have a weekly goals list, if I reach my goals every week, I get my reward.  My reward would be to put aside some money for the future when I find something I want.  At least this way, the money will be there for me to buy it.  It is MY money, I can spend it on whatever I want.  This past week, we went over budget and did not have enough for groceries.  So I took MY banked up reward money and used that for groceries.  I could have easily bought the stuff on my credit card and placed it back from my next paycheck but it would still not be balanced out our weekly budget.  So this way, my kids get to eat and next weeks budget is on track!

Aside from money being put away, another reward of mine is to go see a movie.  There is a local Dollar-cinema!  Movies are just $2 plus tax!  And on top of that, there is a meet-up group that does free movies there from time to time.  I saw Man of Steel there for FREE and this past Saturday I saw Star Trek Into Darkness there for FREE too!  Now, if I did not meet my goals, I would not have been able to go and see those films. 

Also my rewards have since evolved.  I have it written out that, when I meet my September goals, I will now be able to schedule a massage for myself!  Now to build up the money jar back again so I can go get the massage.

Also, my eating habits have lost its FUN lately.  So I want to put the FUN back in as a reward too.  But this time, it will not be junk foods like burgers and fries or fried chicken or ice cream or even a cola.  This time, I want to make the reward something my body will thank me for.  For example, a meal at the organic vegan raw food restaurant or even something as simple as buying a kombucha drink from my local organic grocery. 

You also know about my long term goal of being DDP yoga certified on July 13 2014! That is its own reward! 

For more about my goals, check out my Goals page!

Flipping the switch

So just like that, overnight, like the flip of a switch, I went from pissed off, angriest person on the planet, to smiling and laughing, enjoying and embracing life. (I seriously think something is wrong with me!)

You all know (cause I keep posting about it), about the Kyle Cease Event I went to in July.  Kyle Cease said he challenges all of us in attendance to do something for 90 days consecutively and see the benefits.  If you do not go through with it, you have to do something you do not want to do.  For example, let's say you're vegan and you decide to meditate for 90 days; if not, then eat a steak.  Got it? Ok, good.  Well, one of the people I met there decided to post a 90 day vlog about how his life is changing since the event.

I watched his Day 44 of 90 video and half way through it, I just started to smile and laugh. Here it is:

 

 

Well, after listening to his words, I got this song stuck in my head:

 





 

 

Well, it was really the Ned Flanders version from The Simpsons that got stuck in my head, but I could not find that video, but you get my point!  I also called up a friend of mine I have not seen in quite some time.  He is the one person I can VENT to, I mean really VENT to and not worry about what I say or how many profanities I let out.  Well, he was at work, but at this time, I did not need to vent, just wanted to know when he was free to meet up.  (Next week.)  He is great for me to vent with, but sometimes he can be a little negative towards me as well.  So I limit my exposure. It's like being in the sun.  For a short period of time, you absorb vitamin D but too long and you will get burned!

 

Then, This morning I listened to the www.ddpradio.com call from last night, and they are discussing my last post before this one!  About emotional gravity and how to deal with it.  They read my post and commented about it.  While they read it, it made me a little choked up to hear my words being read out, but at the same time, I had the thought in my head, ''God, I sound like a little whiney bitch!''  They said, they all understand where I was coming from and gave great tips like joining a Jujitsu class to help alleviate the anger I had stored up in me from the days of being bullied.  Then DDP commented...

 

DDP gave some great advice for dealing with the negativity, but then he called me out on the comment I made about the yoga and meditation not working for me.  He said that was bullshit!  (His words, not mine!)  I understand his comment though.  I was doing the workouts, but since I was stuck in my head, I let the negativity prevail and said I could not do better.  I have been feeling very tired for about the last 3 weeks or so.  My workouts were more like traditional yoga and not DDP YOGA.  So I was beating myself up over that.  But I also think that since I was stuck in my head, I did not try to push harder than what I felt I was capable of doing.  So yes, bullshit on me!

 

Today was great though.  I was not pissed off, my head felt clear and my workout today was amazing!  I did Diamond Cutter and my heart-rate was an average of 138!  It is funny how once I let go of the negativity, how light I felt. 

 

So to everybody on www.teamddpyoga.com, the ddpyoga group on Facebook, and all my fellow Kylego-ers, Thank you all for your words of support!...and DDP, if you read this, this was no bullshit! 

Slippng

Lately I have been slipping down mentally, physically and emotionally.

Since the Kyle Cease Event, I came back home STRONG and MOTIVATED and INSPIRED!
I felt great!

But then, about mid-August, my energy level has been low and I do not want to be around anyone!  I don't know why this is coming about!

I do my meditations before bed and I sleep great now, but I still feel tired mid-day.  Not like I need a nap, but more like I do not have the energy to get my workouts done! 

I did a great Diamond Cutter last night. But I took the weekend off from doing any workouts and todays workout was ok. 

Aside from the fatigue, I am just tired of everything.  Tired of this raw food detox, tired of weighing myself, tired of having to be conscious and monitor everything I choose to eat, tired of medications, tired of supplements, tired of work, tired of customers, tired of almost everything!  I just feel so negative.

Mentally, I do not feel creative right now.  I have an idea for a book series to write, but I just do not feel inspired to put the pen to the paper.

Physically, I feel too tired to do my workouts properly and I see myself as failing at my goals. 

Emotionally, I cannot take negative criticism anymore.  Don't get me wrong, if I do something wrong I want to be told so I can correct it, that's ok.  But when someone attacks me for my character and who I am, I cannot take that!  I explode! 

I think I know why though.  As a teen, in school, when I was bullied, I never retaliated, I never stood up for myself.  After my school days, I promised myself, I will NEVER let anyone do something to me or say something to me without standing up for myself.  But I realise now, I have been standing up for myself with anger. 

Anybody got some good tips for releasing anger and frustrations? And don't tell me meditation and yoga cause I'm doing BOTH!!!!

Hump in the road

This past weekend was quite the setback and a great reminder of where I was coming from and where I want to get to.

Since Sunday, I have been a little 'off.'  My mood, my attitude, my workouts, my outlook, everything was the old me.  It was my first 'bad' day (more like bad 4 days) since the Kyle Cease Event in mid-July, so about a month ago. 

I went from feeling like I was on top of my game, to feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Just frustrated but I did not know why.  So for the meditation that night it was really hard to clear my mind.  I physically felt uncomfortable sitting to do my meditation, as if my body did not want me to.  I did some deep breathing but was getting more angry with myself.  More impatient, more frustrated.  I ended up sitting there for an hour pissed off.  Then tossed and turned myself to sleep in bed. 

The next morning, I was feeling a bit better.  But I was attracting some MAJOR negativity around me!  It felt like it was the day of, me versus EVERY ASSHOLE ON THE ROAD!  Some guy changing lanes on the highway without indicating, not even looking in his blind-spot and I had to hit the breaks... and the horn like a pissed off ass! Then another guy, did not even stop at the stop sign, in a parking lot, at the same time I am making a left turn right in front of him! Then almost getting run over by a guy talking on his cell phone while driving and decided to roll through the stop sign.  Of course, I slammed my hand on the hood of his car (as if that would save me!) and yelled at him for being an idiot! 

And we all know what happens!  That the person gets the glare-stare-down, that shows I am pissed off with you, but I will do nothing and not let it go either, except look at you with my face all contorted and disfigured from being pissed off and my eye-brows nearly touching!  So they drive off and forget about me within 2 seconds whereas I remain pissed off for the whole day!

Thankfully, I realized what was going on with me and that I was attracting these events.  I stopped in a parking lot, turned off my vehicle and did some deep breathing and told myself, I need to do an emergency meditation session RIGHT NOW, before I drive off, because I need to let this go NOW in order to enjoy the rest of my day. 

So I did the meditation and felt better afterwards.  Not 100% better, but enough to not attract bad drivers!  During the meditation, I sat down with my inner voice 'Gary' and asked him, what was going on and he said,  ''Hey, don't look at me, this was all you!'' And I realised he was right.  I chose to be pissed off and let things and circumstances effect me.

It is now Wednesday night and I decided tomorrow morning is a reboot of sorts.  I started the workouts for the DDP Yoga certification, but I need to drop back to basics and hit out a workout from the dvd set instead, for now.  Also, my mindset needs to be reset!  The leaping that is in the process, of moving soon to a location where the rent is more than double of what I pay now AND leaving the security of my family grocery store without even having another job lined up, well, it scares me.  Also, most people, with the exception of my wife and parents, all think I am either stupid or crazy.  But in the end, their opinion do not matter anyway.  What the hell have they ever done for me except hold me down with their negativity?  My wife and parents are the ones who tell me to move forward! I need more people like them in my life!

And I do!  The great people at www.teamddpyoga.com and on the Kylego groups on Facebook!  You guys are all so awesome! 

So I took 4 days to be in the 'poor me' attitude and mentality!  I think I needed that reminder in order to push harder.

I am off to start it now!  I am doing a kylego session with myself a year from now and then meditation! 

Oh, one last thing, there is nothing like doing a meditation session in the middle of the morning then listening to music blearing loud in the car while I drive at 100km/hr on the open highway! 

LOVE IT!

Eye brows almost touching!

Gonna Get Certified!!!!!

Man-o-man do I feel great!

With DDP Yoga, my wife being my health coach AND my new mind-set, thanks to everyone at the Kyle Cease Event, I feel UNSTOPPABLE!!!!

I got the support from teamddpyoga.com and from the kylego group on Facebook. 

I put in my application to get DDP Yoga certified this past Sunday night and I feel so good about my decision! 

Monday I was feeling so tired and drained by the time I got home from work.  I was planning to skip my workout.  It was also my second day on my raw foods detox liquid day (Green smoothies and green juices only!).  I sat down to do my meditation and planned after that I would go to bed.

BUT!

During my meditation, it struck me.  I just signed up the night before to get certified and now I am slacking off already?

This question came to me: Do you want to be certified on July 13 2014? 

With my eyes closed, I smiled and said yes! I got up, washed my face and hit my yoga mat!  What ended up happening was, THE BEST DAMN WORKOUT I EVER HAD! I was drenched in sweat!
My heart-rate was in the zone!  And I felt so alive and great! 

As soon as I was done, I took these pics:

As you can see, my vest was soaked!  AND my heart-rate was JACKED! The 137 is my current heart-rate when I took the pic and the A-139 is my average heart-rate during the workout! 

 

After these pics, I remembered what inspired me to get my ass off the couch, so I wrote it down and taped it up, opposite the couch so I can see it everyday, every time I sit down:

Tonight I had another great workout and ready to MOVE FORWARD!!!! My wife took pics of me while I did the workout, cause I think she never seen me sweat so much!  I would share them here, but I can't, I was overheating so I lost the shorts and continued in my undies!!! Tee-hee!!!!

My discussion with Gary

A 'sit down' talk with Gary.

The vid ends kind of abruptly at the end, my mobile ran out of space, but I was done anyways! 

Was just saying at the end, that I might not do a video tomorrow but I will see and go with the flow!

The day 'Gary' kicked my ass!

My confrontation with Gary!

Who is Gary?  Gary is the voice in your head that tells you that you cannot do something and puts doubt into your mind!

Right after doing this video, I realised that Gary is trying to protect me from failure in his own unique way! So Thank you Gary for being so caring, but it is ok.  I got this!

August Update and revelation inspired by the words of Glenn Morshower

DDPYOGA Workout Update!!!

I did my weigh-in for August last week on the first and I went to 297 pounds!!!

That is 10 pounds in 1 month!!! I am so happy and thrilled to have lost the weight. 

At first, I was beating myself up and saying, I only lost 10 pounds. Because I was comparing myself to others out there, that have done and are doing, ddpyoga. They kicked ass with it, lost up to and more than 30 pounds.  And all I lost was 10 pounds. 

But then I realized that I was taking away my win!  Yes, I lost 10 pounds! When was the last time that happened?  10 pounds lost is 10 pounds lost! I should be thrilled about that and not compare myself to someone else!  I should feel happy for the person who lost 30 pounds in 30 days and be motivated by their story to push harder! And now I am pushing harder.

Tonight I was dead tired. But I knew I had my workout to get done. So I washed my face and acted like it was later in the evening and said out loud to myself:

''I had such a great workout! The best one so far for the month! My heart rate was in the perfect zone and I did the full hour!  After the workout I felt so good, I posted a blog about my workout update!  I had a fulfilling meditation for an hour and felt so inspired by my thoughts, I had such clarity!''

And I did push myself in my workout, I did Diamond Cutter.  It was actually one of the better workouts because I was focused on making it a great workout!  My meditation opened my mind to see myself as limiting my thoughts as well.  The certification is up and running for the ddpyoga workouts and instead of just signing up, I emailed them and said that I am 300 pounds and even though I cannot do the workouts perfectly right now, if they think I would be able to do the routine properly and be certified by the time of the ddpyoga retreat next July.

What the hell!?!

How would they know? It all matters on how hard I push myself!  Only I know if I can do it!  So I am signing up!  Also by signing up, I know I have a deadline and a commitment to meet. So here is my declaration:

At the ddpyoga retreat in July 2014, I am a certified ddpyoga instructor!

See you then DDP! cause I'm coming!!!

That's the power of love!!!

I got this song stuck in my head!  And I accept that! Feel like listening to it while I type this up, so I will!

Ever since I got back home from the Kyle Cease event last week in LA, I just feel so great!  I was stuck in traffic yesterday and instead of being annoyed, I chose to just accept it and focused my attention to all the beautiful greenery around me.  I never noticed just how many trees were along my route.  Instead of having a hectic drive, it was calm and joyous!

I also stopped listening to the radio when I drive.  Before I would listed to talk radio station, CJAD 800 am.  But it is constantly bad news!  Even the topics they cover for programming is NEVER something uplifting!  So now I download inspirational calls onto my phone and hit play when I drive.  I listen to the DDPYOGA podcast, Body Enlightenment calls and I just downloaded the podcast from Kyle Cease, which I have not listened to yet. 

Even the music I have on my phone I am deleting.  It is all so negative!  I choose now to only listen to more uplifting music.  Not gospel or something of that nature, but music that promotes love and joy! For example, the song from my favourite movie as a child was (you guessed it!), Huey Lewis and the News song, Power of Love, from the movie Back to the Future! 

It's ok if you laugh at that!  I do not mind.

It is what speaks to me and the kind of music I want to feel the energy from.  The negative energy from the types of music that glorify violence and promote hate are the types of music that keep me down and angry. 

I listened to too much of that stuff in the past.  Those cd's (yes, I still have cd's!) are going out of my home and car! 

I have such an amazing circle of people on Facebook as friends now.  Friends from TeamDDPyoga.com and friends from the Kyle Cease event!  I only see positive posts now on my Facebook page. 

A spur of the moment vid!

A vid from my time in LA. It is a bit long but it all comes from the heart!

 

Give me something SWEET to eat!

As you know, I am doing a raw food detox...

Friday morning however I nearly gave in to cooked foods and ate out.  After breakfast, which was a green smoothie, I got a headache.  It felt like someone gently squeezing. Like you would squeeze a cantaloupe, but this squeezing would last over an hour!  This was occurring while I was at work picking up the fresh produce from the market area.  Near the market area, there is a Lebanese place I would ALWAYS eat at! They got chicken cooked with rice and almonds, fish and veggies, paella with lots of shrimp, etc.!  It all sounds good, but it is in some serious oil! I mean, greasy!

Once I got the headache my mind/body was just craving INTENSELY something cooked! Something from that place!  I drove right to the store and sat in the car.  I downed a half a litre of water and asked myself what the hell was I about to do!  This food was what caused me to get overweight and sick in the first place!  I am on meds for hypertension, so with one of the meds, I need to urinate quite frequently after taking it in the morning.   The lil' fat evil voice in my head said, ''Well, just go in and use the washroom.'' 

To which I replied, ''Yeah right! I know what is going to happen! I'm gonna go in there and YOU will start begging me for something to eat!'' (Yes, I speak to myself when alone!) 

I closed my eyes and thought about the taste and texture of the food I would buy from there.  The warm soft chicken, surrounded by rice and tasty crunchy roasted almonds! Hmmm!

Then, I thought of how I feel after eating it.  The warm oil, coating my throat.  Even water cannot wash it down! The lack of energy I feel after eating it. It seriously makes me physically tired!  So I started up the car and drove off before my lil' fat inner demon could try to convince me again! 

That was the morning! Now for the afternoon!  Well, my lil' inner fat demon was really after me now! After lunch my body was really craving sweet!  I drove past the bakery, ice-cream shop yelling at my inner demon to stop telling me to turn in and get something!  When I went home, I was watering the garden with my daughter and she was picking raspberries.  I took one, and it was the SWEETEST thing I ate in a long time! Usually I never eat raspberries, but this one was so good! 

Now, as for what I noticed.

For the morning and the cooked food craving during the headache.  I believe that since I started the detox, that this was a symptom of the detox and the fat cells crying out for something to hold on to.  Also, my memory cells remember that whenever in pain or discomfort, I was raised with food as a remedy. 

For the afternoon and the sweet craving, maybe it was my fat cells crying out to me to compensate for 'being good' in the morning and not eating out.  But I was more surprised at how I just savoured the raspberry!  To me, it was the best raspberry ever! AND my sweet craving subdued.  It did not go away completely, but enough so that I did not have to yell at my inner demon to shut-up! 

Anyhow, my sweet craving was fulfilled on Saturday when my lovely wife make a completely raw foods style zucchini cake complete with raw icing for my birthday.  It was gluten free, dairy free, refined sugar free BUT so tasty my kids and parents loved it! 

Thanks honey!

MY KINGDOM FOR A CHICKEN WING!!!!!

It has been a little over a week now on the raw food detox and man-o-man! I could really go for some chicken wings right about now!  As mentioned in the previous post, it is do or die for me this time around.  The raw foods detox is 8 weeks preparation and 6 weeks actual detox!  And I am on week ONE of preparation!!!!

I can daydream about it. I close my eyes and hear the Styrofoam package opening, my anticipation is at its peak. The sight of the golden brown chicken wing, so tender and plump, glistening with oil.  The intoxicating smell, so arousing! I can smell the spices!  The feel of the chicken wings, the warm oil gently burning my fingers as I hold the wing between my index finger and thumb. And finally taste! The oil running to the sides on my mouth as I bite down. The explosion of barbecue spices as it hits my tongue! The delicate meat being savored and chewed with immense pleasure!

After reading that you think someone has a food orgasm!  And there is the problem.

My whole life, has always been about food, and the wrong choices of food at that!

Yes, I can easily indulge in some chicken wings right now at this very moment, but who am I really hurting?  Eating it is only doing more harm to me.  Sabotaging my progress on this detox.
That little demon voice that says, 'A- It's only week one of the detox, it's okay.  B- Nobody else will know.  C- You are doing the workouts, you can easily burn of a couple of wings!'

A+ Well, yes it is week one and if I screw up now, I might as well not bother doing the detox. I choose to look at the detox as a challenge set before me that instead of a chore.

B+ And yes, nobody else will know, but I will.  I will not fully eat that wing with pleasure, there will be a ton of guilt associated with it.

C+ And yes, I am doing some great workouts with ddpyoga, but why burn off the deep fried chicken wings when I can burn off years of stored up fat and feel better everyday?

So I CHOOSE not to indulge in the chicken wings right now. After the detox, I will have some wings, but wings I prepare. Organic grain fed seasoned chicken wings, that are oven-baked with grilled veggies on the side. OR I CAN KILL MYSELF WITH DEEP FRIED MSG COATED CHICKEN WINGS WITH A SIDE OF FRIES!  I choose the latter of the two.

Also, if I get the right combination of spices, I can season up some veggies, it might not be the same texture of chicken, but I will be satisfied with the alternative!

Finally Back!!

Finally back and on the journey of life once again!  Since my last video update, which I think was in February, things got worse.  My workouts were half-assed, my eating was HORRIBLE, I had NO energy and no motivation.  Luckily for me though, I hit rock-bottom and cannot go any farther down.  I am at the biggest I have ever been, 307 pounds. 307 POUNDS!!!!

What changed?  Well, let me start from the top.  I got on to a naturopath/dietitian who I had seen before and contacted again for help with getting off prescription meds.  She recommended me some supplements to take and told me to do a diet diary.  I did the first week of the diet diary and saw how bad I was eating, so I tried to do better the next week, but it was still bad.  Now here is where the explosion happened...

My wife is a health and wellness coach.  She is the polar opposite of me.  She is a beautiful healthy young woman, full of energy and life. And I am a sad, depressed, emotional eater who LIED STRAIGHT TO HER FACE for the longest while about what I eat. My eating is effecting our relationship.  I am always tired, lethargic and I blame it on the meds I take.  Well, my wife found my diet diary and she was REALLY disappointed with me.  Looking at it now, I see that she was really hurt by my actions.  I was self- sabotaging my life.  More importantly, I was lying to her.  My eating problems is the equivalent to an alcoholic.  I can't stop eating.  Well, seeing that she is truly my better half, she is helping me with my eating plan.  I am on a STRICT  raw foods detox now.  I am not doing the detox for her, I am doing it for ME! I need to OWN this and make it happen!  

Hot, ain't she!

Also Diamond Dallas Page did a live workout via online last week, and it really lit a fire under me to get back on track.  My workouts have been so much better since last Wednesday! I have been doing Diamond Cutter, modified the hell out of it!  

Here is a little vid I did today:

Here is my week 1 diet diary:

                           Thurday        Friday         Saturday         Sunday        Monday       Tuesday    Wednesday

Breakfast	10:00 12inch tuna sub Apple juice	8:00 Green Smoothie 10:00 12inch tuna sub Apple juice	8:00 Green smoothie 10:00 Mashed potatoes chicken mushrooms gravy	8:00 Green smoothie	8:00 Green smoothie 10:00 12inch chicken Sub, apple juice	8:00 2 eggs, bread, salad 10:00 Pasta and Tomato sauce, coconut muffin	10:00 2 Jamaican Chicken patties
Lunch	12:00 Goat Roti: Roti is like a Large burrito Caribbean style	1:00 Tom yum soup With chicken	1:00 Goat roti	11:00 Half BBQ Chicken, olive bread, hummus	12:00 Red curry chicken	11:00 Shish taouk Fries	12:00 15 chicken Wings Fries
Dinner	6:00 Grilled chicken Sandwich Grilled veges fries	6:00 Club sandwich Fries	6:00 Crudités Almond butter 10:00 Raw foods Dessert	6:00 Crudités Almond butter	6:00 Quinoa salad	4:00 3 burgurs	4:00 2 hot-dogs Poutine Coke
Snacks	No snacks		12:00 am 2 burgers	2:00pm 4 nutri-grain Bars	1:00 pm Salad 4:00 pm 2 burgurs
Comments			The raw foods dessert was at an event.	Snack was just emotional eating.		Really stressful day.	Another stressful day.

Weekly Diet Diary

Here is the week 2 diet diary:

	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday
Breakfast	9:00 3-egg omlette, 2 slice whole wheat bread, Mediclear with orange juice	8:30 Oatmeal porridge, Mediclear in water	9:00 Raw foods granola, grapes, mediclear in hemp milk	9:30 g/f pancake homemade, almond butter, banana, mediclear in almond milk	10:00 Coconut muffin, green smoothie, mediclear in orange juice	10:00 Chicken, veges, mediclear in orange juice	10:00 12 inch sub, mediclear in apple juice
Lunch	1:00 Tuna salad, Mediclear with orange juice	11:30 Rice, Chicken, grilled veges, mediclear in water	12:00 Raw foods pizza, mediclear in hemp milk	11:00 Quinoa salad, mediclear in almond milk	12:00 Tuna sub 12 inch, mediclear in orange juice	2:00 Mediclear in orange juice	1:30 Sardine salad, mediclear in water
Dinner	6:00 2 chicken wraps, salad	4:00 Medium coffee, 2muffins	5:00 Millet salad, raw foods pizza	6:30 Grilled veges, chicken, salad	6:00 Quinoa salad	6:30 Millet salad	4:00 Club sandwich
Snacks	No snacks			7:30 Raw foods cake		4:00 Chicken, veges	6:00pm Green smoothie
Comments		I know the dinner was way off.  I really just went for the coffee, but when I ordered, it just happened automatically.  I did not even realize it till I had eaten the muffins what I had ate!  I never drink coffee anymore but I needed it since I was driving to Ottawa that night.			Around 2:00 felt sick.  Nauseated and sweating, had a ginger ale and felt better.