Eating without fear, guilt, shame OR TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE!!!

You may or may not have come across my blog post from last year around this same time,
http://thislifebeginsnow.blogspot.ca/2012/08/the-day-my-wife-caught-me-cheating.html.  It is about me and how my wife caught me cheating on my diet and how it has really effected me/us and my promise to NEVER do it again! (I notice I am a big fat hypocrite after typing this!)

Well, fast forward to this past end of June and my wife finds out that I was doing it again.  Eating other foods outside, like junk foods and I mean the worst kinds! So she did a one-on-one intervention with me.  She wanted me to do a Raw food detox and that since she is a health coach, to let her help me.  I said ok for different reasons.  I wanted to make a change in my diet but going on the raw food detox, well, I did it mainly because she wanted me to.  I felt like I owed it to her to do the detox, but along the way, I saw it as I NEEDED to do this to save my life! NOT JOKING! My life depended on it.  And I am thankful I have such a supportive wife to help me on my journey.

I have done raw before for 30 days and it was fine, but this time was hard.  I wanted to cheat SO SO bad, but I know how much I have riding on my this.  I have not lost a huge amount of weight since doing the raw food detox and I think that is mostly because of toxins in my body.  But I have finished with the detox this past Saturday and re-introduce cooked foods back into my eating plan.  So this week, I had a cauliflower mash.  It is a mashed potato replacement.  It was so good, but I ate too much of it for my first day back on cooked foods and my stomach was heavy!  I will stick with the green juices everyday and sometimes smoothies too.

But all this to say, I have finally come to see that for the past 35 years, I have always been eating to please others.  There lies the fear of being caught when eating out. The guilt of knowing I should not be having that piece of cake.  The shame felt when it is found out by people I love and I feel that I 'let them down.'

The past two Wednesdays, I was doing a First Aid class for work.  I took my smoothie and my green juice with me.  Nearby is the Atwater Market, where they have fresh farmers produce, fresh meats, a bakery and a real nice gourmet pizza place!  Yes, I could have eaten junk, but I didn't.  Yes, I could be lying to you right now, but I'm not. This blog is here to keep me accountable for the things I do! To potentially help someone else by seeing my flaws on my journey. 

I did buy something though, I bought a container of fresh strawberries! No it was not organic but I ate it without any hesitation!  I ate it consciously and savoured every bite.  For that half hour I was eating strawberries I felt free.  Liberated.  I know what I am doing THIS TIME! This time, I am eating for me!  Anyone, ANYONE else can get mad, sad, upset or whatever other emotion you can think of, over what I eat.  BUT I will not eat something or refrain from eating something because of someone else.  NOT ANYMORE!!! I had non-organic strawberries and I enjoyed it GUILT FREE!  Now, you might be thinking, 'what is the big deal with non-organic strawberries?'  The 'big deal' is that I just finished a DETOX and eating non-organic is putting the chemicals back into me!  That's why.  But what is done is done and I have no regrets.

 

I know that Thanksgiving is coming up, as well as the holiday season.  I will make my choices as to what I eat out.  I will make conscious decisions.  I am tired of avoiding going to certain social gatherings because of wanting to look good and not eat certain things.  I will eat the foods I know is best for me.  The grilled veggies, the salad, a piece of chicken.  NOT the mashed potatoes and gravy or the dinner rolls.  But this is not tomorrow or even the day after!  I am still doing the reintroduction of foods for the next couple of weeks. One food at a time, so quinoa tomorrow, then detox for a day, then chick-peas the other day and detox the day after that.  So I can see if the foods I reintroduce effect me in any way.  Last time I did raw, over a year ago, after that, I had my mothers rice and peas and I was ready to pass out like it was Thanksgiving dinner!  So I want to see how each food effects me.

Now I choose to eat with pleasure.  I totally savoured these strawberries.  I wanted it all week long.  That morning when I woke up, I was patiently waiting for noon so I could go have my strawberry orgasm.  I did and I enjoyed it!

Here is the cauliflower mash recipe: http://spiritedgreenmama.com/2013/09/22/cauliflower-madness/

Realization in the metro

This past Tuesday I started an acting class and it was so much fun.  It was down-town and the teacher told me it would be better to take public transit than to drive because of parking.  Well several things happened with my journey in the Montreal transit system.

First, this was the first time in years (8 years minimum) since I took bus and metro in Montreal.  Usually I drive everywhere I need to go.  So there was some changes, mostly with the method of payment.  There is a new card called an OPUS pass.  Well, my wife had one and told me to just put some money on it and away I go on the metro.  I went to the teller and she said that the card is expired.  How can a card you need to charge up be expired?  She said it expired last year and to just throw it away.  She can sell me a new OPUS card for $6, plus whatever amount of money I want to put on it.  But a one-way pass is $3. So I just bought a one-way pass and off I went.  The metro seemed to have gotten dirtier in the past couple of years. Mostly graffiti and old news papers flying around.  On the plus side was an automated voice that stated the name of each up coming station.

On my way back home I could not get over how many people had earphones on that were connected to cellphones.  Nearly everybody was either listening to music or playing games or reading on their mobile devices.  Ok, when I was in school, we all had a Walkman (remember those?) or cd players.  But hardly anybody was sitting still just 'being.'  It was interesting to look around at everyone and see the trouble they have to just disconnect and BE.  Luckily for me I forgot my earphones at home and could not listen to music on my journey.  Especially on the bus, people without earphones would continually look at their cellphones from time to time. 

Yes, at times I have trouble disconnecting as well.  But not to the point of obsession.  I do not have a data plan on my phone, so if there is no free Wi-Fi well, my phone is just a phone! There are games and music on it, but I am not constantly on it and I do not have time or patience for a game.  It really feels good to just be sitting there, or better yet, go for a walk without the distraction.  I love going for a walk with my phone in my pocket and no earphones on.  Just letting my mind be free to wander, to look around and truly see the sights around me, to consciously take a deep breath and feel the freshness of the air and most importantly, hear any oncoming traffic as I cross a street!

The last realisation I had was how bad out of shape I am in! Oh man! Time to turn up the dial on my workouts!  The travelling was fun, just too late for me.  Being the father of two girls, I am home early and in bed even earlier.  So when the class is over and I travel back home, 10:30 at night feels like 2am for me.  But that is not the out of shape part.  The out of shape part came the next day when both my legs were sore!  My calves were hurting going up and down a flight of stairs! Even sitting on the toilet was hard to do.  I decided to make my workouts better and modify less.  So instead of stepping up from down-dog position to bent barback, I started jumping up.  Instead of 3-count push-ups on the knees, I started 3-count push-ups no knees unless absolutely necessary.

As for the acting class now, that was a blast!  I had so much fun and I cannot wait for Tuesday's now.  It really got me out of my comfort zone. There was even a point when the teacher called upon me to present first.  That was hard for me.  But I got up there, did my thing and it was great!  This was only the first class!  Going from a shy guy to a more confident guy seems like a fun journey!  What changes and revelations will next class bring!

WHY have goals and rewards

Last night I posted about setting goals and having rewards.  Today, I was asked why.  Questions like, 'Rewards seems so childish.  Do you as an adult really NEED a reward?  Why? Why can't you just attain your goal and let that be the end of it?'  Well here is why. 

First let me start with goals.  Everyone should have goals in life.  No matter what your age, gender, capabilities, WHATEVER!  Goals are needed.  Think for a minute if you had no goals to attain.  Would you feel fulfilled?  Would you feel happy?  Just living from day to day without any point, without any direction?  That is no way to live. Trust me, I know!  For the longest while in my life, I did not set any goals.  Just went to work, came home, ate, slept.  What kind of life is that?  Seems pretty boring... and it was. 

With goals, it gives me the feeling of accomplishing something.  It makes me feel important.  It gives me purpose.  I feel alive with goals.  To look ahead and see in the horizon, my goal being attained.  To look back and see the road that got me here.  To look at where I am going AND to openly accept that hurdles will show up and it is up to me on how to jump over it, or stumble, fall down and get back up again.  Goals give me a drive, it makes me feel alive, it makes me feel important.

Now for the childish topic of rewards. Rewards do not have to be an extravagant thing.  Make it something small.  My example was that of going to see a movie or watch a television program.  If you are going to do those things anyways, why not make it a reward for attaining a goal?  It will be much more pleasurable to know you had to work for it.  I have not gone out to see a movie in the longest while! But with the goals and rewards it gives me something to look forward to.  I was already planning on watching the Doctor Who Special online in November, so why not make it a reward? If I do not reach my goal, well, no Doctor Who!  It is something I really want to see and since I put it as a reward it will really help me to stay focused and achieve my goal. 

Think of a boxer, his goal is to be the best! The reward is the title belt, money, fame and women! Ok money, fame and women are kind of a second reward, but in his goal to be the best, to be the top boxer, the reward is standing tall with the title belt wrapped around his waist.  The belt represents that he has attained his goal of being the best.  It makes his view on his uphill battle all the more worthwhile.

Rewards, when kept reasonable, can be a great motivating factor! It is for me.  Is it childish?  Maybe and that is ok with me. Because with goals and rewards I feel alive and I am enjoying my life. 

I know I could have easily edited my last post and put this on there too, but I think this information was worthy of its own post.

Slippng

Lately I have been slipping down mentally, physically and emotionally.

Since the Kyle Cease Event, I came back home STRONG and MOTIVATED and INSPIRED!
I felt great!

But then, about mid-August, my energy level has been low and I do not want to be around anyone!  I don't know why this is coming about!

I do my meditations before bed and I sleep great now, but I still feel tired mid-day.  Not like I need a nap, but more like I do not have the energy to get my workouts done! 

I did a great Diamond Cutter last night. But I took the weekend off from doing any workouts and todays workout was ok. 

Aside from the fatigue, I am just tired of everything.  Tired of this raw food detox, tired of weighing myself, tired of having to be conscious and monitor everything I choose to eat, tired of medications, tired of supplements, tired of work, tired of customers, tired of almost everything!  I just feel so negative.

Mentally, I do not feel creative right now.  I have an idea for a book series to write, but I just do not feel inspired to put the pen to the paper.

Physically, I feel too tired to do my workouts properly and I see myself as failing at my goals. 

Emotionally, I cannot take negative criticism anymore.  Don't get me wrong, if I do something wrong I want to be told so I can correct it, that's ok.  But when someone attacks me for my character and who I am, I cannot take that!  I explode! 

I think I know why though.  As a teen, in school, when I was bullied, I never retaliated, I never stood up for myself.  After my school days, I promised myself, I will NEVER let anyone do something to me or say something to me without standing up for myself.  But I realise now, I have been standing up for myself with anger. 

Anybody got some good tips for releasing anger and frustrations? And don't tell me meditation and yoga cause I'm doing BOTH!!!!

My discussion with Gary

A 'sit down' talk with Gary.

The vid ends kind of abruptly at the end, my mobile ran out of space, but I was done anyways! 

Was just saying at the end, that I might not do a video tomorrow but I will see and go with the flow!

The day 'Gary' kicked my ass!

My confrontation with Gary!

Who is Gary?  Gary is the voice in your head that tells you that you cannot do something and puts doubt into your mind!

Right after doing this video, I realised that Gary is trying to protect me from failure in his own unique way! So Thank you Gary for being so caring, but it is ok.  I got this!

August Update and revelation inspired by the words of Glenn Morshower

DDPYOGA Workout Update!!!

I did my weigh-in for August last week on the first and I went to 297 pounds!!!

That is 10 pounds in 1 month!!! I am so happy and thrilled to have lost the weight. 

At first, I was beating myself up and saying, I only lost 10 pounds. Because I was comparing myself to others out there, that have done and are doing, ddpyoga. They kicked ass with it, lost up to and more than 30 pounds.  And all I lost was 10 pounds. 

But then I realized that I was taking away my win!  Yes, I lost 10 pounds! When was the last time that happened?  10 pounds lost is 10 pounds lost! I should be thrilled about that and not compare myself to someone else!  I should feel happy for the person who lost 30 pounds in 30 days and be motivated by their story to push harder! And now I am pushing harder.

Tonight I was dead tired. But I knew I had my workout to get done. So I washed my face and acted like it was later in the evening and said out loud to myself:

''I had such a great workout! The best one so far for the month! My heart rate was in the perfect zone and I did the full hour!  After the workout I felt so good, I posted a blog about my workout update!  I had a fulfilling meditation for an hour and felt so inspired by my thoughts, I had such clarity!''

And I did push myself in my workout, I did Diamond Cutter.  It was actually one of the better workouts because I was focused on making it a great workout!  My meditation opened my mind to see myself as limiting my thoughts as well.  The certification is up and running for the ddpyoga workouts and instead of just signing up, I emailed them and said that I am 300 pounds and even though I cannot do the workouts perfectly right now, if they think I would be able to do the routine properly and be certified by the time of the ddpyoga retreat next July.

What the hell!?!

How would they know? It all matters on how hard I push myself!  Only I know if I can do it!  So I am signing up!  Also by signing up, I know I have a deadline and a commitment to meet. So here is my declaration:

At the ddpyoga retreat in July 2014, I am a certified ddpyoga instructor!

See you then DDP! cause I'm coming!!!

That's the power of love!!!

I got this song stuck in my head!  And I accept that! Feel like listening to it while I type this up, so I will!

Ever since I got back home from the Kyle Cease event last week in LA, I just feel so great!  I was stuck in traffic yesterday and instead of being annoyed, I chose to just accept it and focused my attention to all the beautiful greenery around me.  I never noticed just how many trees were along my route.  Instead of having a hectic drive, it was calm and joyous!

I also stopped listening to the radio when I drive.  Before I would listed to talk radio station, CJAD 800 am.  But it is constantly bad news!  Even the topics they cover for programming is NEVER something uplifting!  So now I download inspirational calls onto my phone and hit play when I drive.  I listen to the DDPYOGA podcast, Body Enlightenment calls and I just downloaded the podcast from Kyle Cease, which I have not listened to yet. 

Even the music I have on my phone I am deleting.  It is all so negative!  I choose now to only listen to more uplifting music.  Not gospel or something of that nature, but music that promotes love and joy! For example, the song from my favourite movie as a child was (you guessed it!), Huey Lewis and the News song, Power of Love, from the movie Back to the Future! 

It's ok if you laugh at that!  I do not mind.

It is what speaks to me and the kind of music I want to feel the energy from.  The negative energy from the types of music that glorify violence and promote hate are the types of music that keep me down and angry. 

I listened to too much of that stuff in the past.  Those cd's (yes, I still have cd's!) are going out of my home and car! 

I have such an amazing circle of people on Facebook as friends now.  Friends from TeamDDPyoga.com and friends from the Kyle Cease event!  I only see positive posts now on my Facebook page. 

A spur of the moment vid!

A vid from my time in LA. It is a bit long but it all comes from the heart!