The Day My Wife Caught Me Cheating!!!

I think she had always suspected it, but I guess she was just in denial.  How could she have NOT known?  It was so clear it was going on.  But I chose to keep cheating and be selfish and just think of myself.  It's very much like an addiction but some will disagree with that.  Think about it for a moment though.  The thrill, the anticipation, the event and the climax.  As long as you hide the evidence, you won't be caught!!! But I was caught...

I came home from work and my wife had "that look" on her face.  Guys, you know the look I am talking about.  I knew I was in sh!t but not sure for what.  She then held up the wrapper and asked, "What's this?  I found it in the storage room, stuffed into an empty water bottle."

Sh!t. I thought, I was busted.  "My uncle had a pack of the cookies and he gave me 2 of them."

"So you ate them." she asked.

Realising there was no escaping I had to plead guilty, "Ugh,,,ya...um...yes" I said.

"And if I never saw this, you would have never mentioned it.  What other junk do you eat?" She demanded.

I was thinking, Wait a minute! I am a man, I make my own decisions, I can eat whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want! I am not a damn child to take orders and just eat what she says to eat?  What the f*(k is this? 

And that's where the problem is.  Because of the sh!tty foods I was eating in secret from my wife, it not only contributed to my weight gain, but to other problems as well.  Always tired, feeling sick, no, I mean, NO energy at all.  Getting winded after 1 flight of stairs.  Breathing like Darth Vader even when just sitting still watching a movie....And *ahem* bedroom issues (I'll just let you think what you want to here).

She had a legitimate worry about me dying and leaving her with 2 kids to take care of on her own (not to mention I felt like I was close to death's door). She told me that how in a previous relationship, the guy was a  heavy drinker and hid it from her and it was the downfall of the relationship (the drinking along with the lying).  When she made that comparison, it made the picture clear for me.

I had an addiction.
A real addiction.
A food addiction.

Some of you might get what I mean here, some might not, but a food addiction is just as real and as bad as an alcoholic addiction.  The two cookies I ate was not the problem of this story.  The 2 cookies I ate was only the tip of the iceberg and she knew it.  The cookie wrapper was symbolic of all my health problems and of all our marital problems due to the lack of life and energy on my part.  I remember seeing the hurt in her face.  The distrust she had in me when we were talking about it.   This was a BIG issue.  I promised to stop the eating of junk foods, and I did...for a while.  There were some stressful times where I gave in.  But my "giving in" was in no way like before with the worst possible junk foods.  I would have a rice cracker with a mountain of almond butter on it.

My whole life, I was always hiding and eating what I truly wanted and craved.  My Dad is a vegetarian.  But when we were kids, that was not the same story.  Since he switched, we all had to.  So I had to hide and eat meat.  If he saw me eating meat, he would be disappointed in me and shake his head.  Also, since I was a little fatty, I was not allowed to have cakes or sweets or colas.  During birthday parties, I was told, only take a little piece of cake and a tablespoon of ice cream. Always monitored. Could never really truly enjoy that piece of cake and ice cream.  When they were not looking I would take another piece and gorge it down.  Same with meat. I remember being in the kitchen hiding from my dad who was in the living room, while I shoved curried chicken down my face at my aunts house.  She makes some kick-ass curry chicken!

I remember never being able to have one whole pastry to eat, just a piece, or even piece of a doughnut. PIECE OF A FREAKIN' DOUGHNUT!!!  Not a whole one, you're too fat.  When I hit college, I gorged the hell out of chocolate bars, pastries, DOUGHNUTS.  The feeling of having to hide and eat along with severe depression (severe for me at least, more on that in posts to come) was a bad combo.

I can now put the pieces together.  All my life I was deprived of enjoying foods.  Mind you the "bad" ones. I was always scrutinized over the things I ate. I had to hide to eat the things I wanted to eat and since I had to hide and eat it, it got out of control.  It was my guilty pleasure.  A place to escape from the world.  Nobody else really cared about me, but this junk food makes me feel euphoric.  

So I went on carrying this habit from life with my family to life with my wife.  I do not need to report to her everything I eat and I don't.  But when the things you eat effect the relationship, and you both know that is the reason, she has all the right to be upset with me for eating those two cookies.

Since that fateful day, I have a new routine when faced with a stress induced sugar craving:

1)  pull up outside of the store I would but my junk fix from.
2)  turn off the engine and radio.
3)  take out my 1.5 litre bottle of water.
4)  drink as much as I can.
5)  close my eyes
6)  take a deep breath.
7)  say out loud, " I know I can have that (insert junk food here), but I choose not to."
8)  drive away.

It helps.

Since I decided to turn my life around, cravings are still there but not as intense like before.  Also, now everything is slowly falling into place.  A eating regiment I can follow thanks to "The Gabriel Method" and the workouts with DDPYOGA.

Oh, and does my wife trust me when I say I did or did not eat a specific thing now?

Well, I can see some hesitation in her face at times, but trust takes time to build once it has been broken.  So I am not 100% sure.  Also, she sees that I am truly trying now.

No half-assed bullsh!t anymore!

Living in the calm before the storm

Last year around this time, I made a decision that I need to do something about my health.  I was always tired, no energy, a walking dead man.  I felt dead inside.  So by November (Yes, November.  I am a BIG procrastinator and fearful of change), I started to actually do something about it.  I did a raw food detox which helped me go from 300 pounds to 280 in a month.  I stayed at 280 till May, where I gained some weight back, about 290 now.

I feel like I am living in the calm before the storm.  Meaning, I see what will happen to me if I do not change my ways now.  Right now, my health is stable.  I can see into the future by looking at my dad and family members.  My dad was strong as an ox when I was a kid.  But after his first heart attack, things changed.  His poor diet and lack of exercise led to the heart attack and triple by-pass surgery.

I have 2 little girls of my own and I owe it to them to lead by example what a healthy parent should be.  They are only 3 years old and 18 months, and I already feel that my lack of energy is taking me away from them to do things together.   I want my kids to have an active father.  Dinner at the dinner table.  You want to play?  Sure, I got energy for that!  I use to lie down on the floor where my kids were playing and fall asleep there, that was my quality time with them! 

The old me was always depressed, sad, angry, hateful, introverted and scared.  These behaviours and thought patterns are what help lead to poor health.  Hence, the past 34 years of my life!

I see what the future holds IF I do not change my ways.  I do not like that picture.

So I am visualizing my new picture NOW:

ME!

FULL OF ENERGY!

SMILING AND ENJOYING LIFE WITH MY FAMILY! 

MY BODY LOOKS AMAZING!

MY HEALTH IS IMPECCABLE!

LIFE FROM HERE ON OUT IS WORTH LIVING!

THE MOST POSITIVE, LOVING LIFE, PERSON EVER!  

ANY, ANY, OF MY OLD NEGATIVE THOUGHTS COME TO MY MIND, I SAY, "THANK YOU FOR THOSE EXPERIENCES FOR THEY HELP ME TO LEARN, GROW AND NURTURE MYSELF INTO A BETTER PERSON NOW!"

Just call me Mister Positivity!

DIAMOND CUTTER!!!

Today I did "Diamond Cutter"  fully and completely!! First time I have done it all the way since May!  In May I dropped off and stopped.  It was SO hard to get back on the ball.  Today I wanted to skip the workout, I was telling myself I was tired.  But then I asked myself, "Are you tired, or are you being lazy?"  So I got off my @$$, put the DVD in and just kicked it.  My heart rate was in the fat burning zone the whole time!  I felt so JACKED doing it and even more JACKED once it was over. My afternoon was great, I felt so alive!

I just finished and dripping sweat!

My mat is drenched in sweat, I had to leave it out to dry!

My heart rate was at an average of 138!!!  The method is: 180 - (your age) = your top zone
                                                                                then:  (Your top zone) - 20 = your bottom zone.

For me, it was 180 - 34 = 146  then 146 - 20 = 126

So my heart rate has to be between 126 and 146 to be in the fat burning zone!  What a difference a heart rate monitor makes!  I wish I took a pic of my heart rate monitor to post here as well.

Tomorrow I am hitting it again!

No Tired!!

No Lazy!!

No EXCUSES!!

DDPYOGA gets a thumbs up!

Feelin' the backlash!!!

WOW!!! Got some heat about my last post from my wife!  So let me settle this.  That was two isolated incidences. Which really got under my skin.  I do NOT hate my customers, well, I do not hate all of them at least! Ha!.   But seriously, I value my customers because without them I would not have that job nor the satisfaction of working at such a great place.  Just sometimes you get those one-in-a-million nut-balls!  Look, I'm trying to apologise if anyone was offended.

But that is what this blog is about.  A place for me to vent, release frustrations, also to put out there the things in my life so I can remain accountable for it.  Since July 14th I re-started my workouts everyday, EVERYDAY!!!   I have been doing the DDPYOGA workouts everyday, been kicking the "Energy" and "Fat Burner"  programs for the last week, so it is time to turn the volume up and hit the next level this week coming.  I was doing the "Diamond Cutter" workout in May, but fell off the wagon since then.  Energy and Fat burner are about 20 to 30 minutes each, whereas Diamond Cutter is close to one hour.  There will be days I mix it up, not all Diamond Cutter here on out.  Just to keep options available for days where I am pressed for time... or too tired to do one hour workouts!

FIRST RANT!!!!!!

I got to rant!  
I need to vent!
Get this off my chest!
Do you enjoy your work?

I mean, I got a great schedule, very flexible, I work in a grocery store here in Montreal.  If I am not on the road doing purchases, I am in the store at the cash register. I don't mind driving and meeting with wholesalers and placing orders, but to stand behind the desk and cash, drives me nuts!

Sometimes I get the most ridiculous customers!  Now since everyone is so "environmentally friendly," I get some customers who insist on placing the groceries in their reusable bags.  That's just fine and dandy, but PAY FIRST BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN THE BAGS!!!!!  Most grocery stores have a sign as you enter stating, "Please use our carts and not your enviro-bags."  Or something to that effect.  Why oh why is that so hard to understand?  Yes, there are those who will put it in their bags and come to the cash, pay for the goods they wish to purchase and leave merrily singing a happy tune.  But then there are those who will place the stuff in their bags and just leave!  "OOPS! I forgot to pay. I'm so sorry."  Maybe they really did forget, maybe (but how do you not notice you came in with an empty bag and leaving with a 20 pound bag instead?).  Or maybe they came in with the intention to steal?  Either way, I am not accusing anyone of stealing, but to avoid any problems, JUST USE A DAMN CART!!!

Then there are those who need to use the phone.  This was more a problem before cells but it still happens.  Sure you can use the phone, that is not a problem.  What is a problem is when you want to spend half hour on the phone talking.  This is a store phone.  You need to make a QUICK call, sure, go ahead.  Or the over zealous people that need to talk so loud so everyone can hear them.  Or worse yet, I had a guy dropping F-bombs, talking loudly and on the phone for quite some time.  I asked him several times to please watch his language and that this is a store phone for QUICK calls.  After the third F-bomb (and 15 minutes in)  I just placed my finger down on the phone and hung up his call.  Obviously he was pissed at me, but I got a business to run.  Then he swore to never shop here again!  So what does that mean?  He did not buy anything anyway, and now my phone bill will be less?

Don't get me wrong, there are great customers too.  Some customers come in, smile pleasantly, talk nicely and most of all, USE THEIR COMMON SENSE.  There are regular customers who you are happy to greet and really get to know them and their lives.  But sometimes the bad just outweighs the good. All it takes is one @$$hole to spoil your day.  And this is where the "NEW ME" is trying to come in.

I am trying, really trying, trying hard, to remain positive.  It is hard.  Hell ya it is hard.  But this is the beginning of my journey to the new me.  So even when faced with difficult customers, I need to separate myself from my ego and remain calm.  By letting them piss me off, it is only doing more harm to myself.  So how to deal with it?  Any suggestions?  Right now, I just take a deep breath and mutter "@$$hole" under my breath, I feel that by doing this, I release my tensions and I move on.  But I think I need to change that to something more positive.  


These were just two instances that came up that I remembered.  But there are A LOT more.  I like blogging about this cause I can get it off my chest.  Maybe I can do that next time a situation arises.   Remind myself to blog about this when I get home and how I handled it, positively, and my real thought as it went on.  

Day 2 of my RE-start of DDPYoga

Since I want to have good progress, I want to upload some current pics to have as a starting point.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Weighing in at 290 pounds, at a height of 5 foot 11, BRRRRRRRANDONNNNN!!!!!!!!

My wife says I look like WWE Legend Yokozuna.

Thanks, honey.

Why some guys NEED facial hair!

Yesterday I was shaving and I got to the point where I had to trim my beard and do the outline of the goatee. Well the trimmer slipped and I took out a HUGE chunk of hair from my beard and I could not hide it.  So I had no choice but to shave it all off!  

AAGH!!!!

Some guys can pull off the clean shaven look... while some of us just can't.

Me clean shaven

I was using the goatee to HIDE the double chin!!

Worst part is, I can tell it looks bad!  People at work do a double-take look, when shopping people do a double-take look.  My wife, even during a heated discussion, will just pause, look at me and laugh.  And my hair growth is slow, so it will take at least 2 to 3 weeks till my beard is long enough so I can have my goatee the way I like it.  Honestly, I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without laughing!  

Also, being an overweight guy with long hair and man-boobs.... you know where I am going with this!

Happy Birthday!!!

  Before today, I never appreciated my birthday, I always took it for granted.  I have had some bad birthday experiences.  From people I did not want to see showing up, to jokes and insults about my weight, to being all ALONE ALL DAY LONG on my birthday (That was a really hard depressing day).  So every year I hope my birthday goes unnoticed.

Not this year!!!

This year, not only is it my birthday, but also my re-birthday. Time to put the old, negative, self-defeating thoughts, introverted me to rest and let the young, positive, outgoing, loving life, me shine.
When old negative thought come knocking, I just refuse to open the door.  I acknowledge it is there, but not let it effect me.

So wish me a happy birthday and I will appreciate it from the heart.

By the way, I am doing the DDPYOGA and July is a 30 day challenge.  I started on July 1st, BUT I missed yesterday and today.  Was not feeling 100%.  So I am re-starting it tomorrow! I posted on facebook, on DDPYOGA, that I am doing this along with a new eating plan (Gabriel Method) and I will have a 2 month celebration on September 13th 2012 by calling in to the Team Ddpyoga Radio show.  So as of Saturday July 14th, I am doing DDPYOGA EVERYDAY till September 13th!!!

Cheer me on!

3rd notch pic

This is the original pic. You cannot see the other notches UNDER my stomach. So.....

...here is a better pic of my belt on me.  I'm slightly pulling in my stomach.

So what is this really all about?

Last year I was 300 pounds, always tired, no energy, woke up tired, dragged my feet everywhere I went.  I felt like a walking dead man. Honestly, I felt dead inside and living life was a chore.  Last November I did a Raw food diet for 30 days and DDPYOGA.  That is how I managed to lose 20 pounds.  Since then, I managed to just maintain the amount I lost and lately feeling the belt getting tighter.

So with this blog, it is to keep me accountable for my actions, what I eat, what I do, my exercise routine, etc.     My goal for the summer is simple in itself but keeping on track is the challenge.  By September 1 2012, I will be on the fifth notch on my belt.  So a little less than two months.  Right now I am on the third notch and its a little snug.

This is me wearing baggy clothes to make myself feel better.  

I will upload a pic of myself and a close up of my belt and what notch I am on right now tomorrow.  

You think I can make my September 1st deadline?  

So what's a Hubpage?

The other night I was looking to start a blog and having never done this before I checked out a few blog sites.  I decided to go with hubpages.com . OOPS!  Hubpages is not a blog site, it is a site for articles and stories etc.  So after posting a blog there, I got flagged and was told to edit my post or it will be deleted.  So I reposted an article I wrote tonight.

http://helpinspireme.hubpages.com/

Check it out, let me know what you think.

Also, I decided to post some videos here. That will be in the coming days.

Day 1

This is my first post EVER on a blog site. Hope to get things up and running soon once I figure out how to go about it all.

So DAY 1 is really just that. I am using this as a way to keep me on track with my health and fitness goals. I am doing 2 programs. "DDPYOGA" and "The Gabriel Method." I have the ddpyoga and I am doing it but soon will get the ball rolling with the fundamentals from the Gabriel method.

I will write more in the coming days, my goals, my backround, likes, dislikes, and where I want to be in life. 

But just a little preview for you.  I was 300 pounds last summer, right now at 280 pounds.  So I lost 20 pounds, that is great, but I lost it since January and have been stuck on 280 since then.  I do not really weigh myself, I rather go with how my clothes fit and the notches on my belt.  Last year I was on the very first notch on my belt and it was about to EXPLODE off of me.  In January it was at a comfortable fourth notch, but since then, over the last month I went back to the third notch and I am not too thrilled with that.  So here I am with the decision to do a blog to be more accountable for myself and for my actions.  

This is not just another fat-guy-wants-to-be-thin blog.  It will be more.  From my diet to exercise to family stresses and to any crap that I feel the need to let out!

More like RANTING!!!