I think she had always suspected it, but I guess she was just in denial. How could she have NOT known? It was so clear it was going on. But I chose to keep cheating and be selfish and just think of myself. It's very much like an addiction but some will disagree with that. Think about it for a moment though. The thrill, the anticipation, the event and the climax. As long as you hide the evidence, you won't be caught!!! But I was caught...
I came home from work and my wife had "that look" on her face. Guys, you know the look I am talking about. I knew I was in sh!t but not sure for what. She then held up the wrapper and asked, "What's this? I found it in the storage room, stuffed into an empty water bottle."
Sh!t. I thought, I was busted. "My uncle had a pack of the cookies and he gave me 2 of them."
"So you ate them." she asked.
Realising there was no escaping I had to plead guilty, "Ugh,,,ya...um...yes" I said.
"And if I never saw this, you would have never mentioned it. What other junk do you eat?" She demanded.
I was thinking, Wait a minute! I am a man, I make my own decisions, I can eat whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want! I am not a damn child to take orders and just eat what she says to eat? What the f*(k is this?
And that's where the problem is. Because of the sh!tty foods I was eating in secret from my wife, it not only contributed to my weight gain, but to other problems as well. Always tired, feeling sick, no, I mean, NO energy at all. Getting winded after 1 flight of stairs. Breathing like Darth Vader even when just sitting still watching a movie....And *ahem* bedroom issues (I'll just let you think what you want to here).
She had a legitimate worry about me dying and leaving her with 2 kids to take care of on her own (not to mention I felt like I was close to death's door). She told me that how in a previous relationship, the guy was a heavy drinker and hid it from her and it was the downfall of the relationship (the drinking along with the lying). When she made that comparison, it made the picture clear for me.
I had an addiction.
A real addiction.
A food addiction.
Some of you might get what I mean here, some might not, but a food addiction is just as real and as bad as an alcoholic addiction. The two cookies I ate was not the problem of this story. The 2 cookies I ate was only the tip of the iceberg and she knew it. The cookie wrapper was symbolic of all my health problems and of all our marital problems due to the lack of life and energy on my part. I remember seeing the hurt in her face. The distrust she had in me when we were talking about it. This was a BIG issue. I promised to stop the eating of junk foods, and I did...for a while. There were some stressful times where I gave in. But my "giving in" was in no way like before with the worst possible junk foods. I would have a rice cracker with a mountain of almond butter on it.
My whole life, I was always hiding and eating what I truly wanted and craved. My Dad is a vegetarian. But when we were kids, that was not the same story. Since he switched, we all had to. So I had to hide and eat meat. If he saw me eating meat, he would be disappointed in me and shake his head. Also, since I was a little fatty, I was not allowed to have cakes or sweets or colas. During birthday parties, I was told, only take a little piece of cake and a tablespoon of ice cream. Always monitored. Could never really truly enjoy that piece of cake and ice cream. When they were not looking I would take another piece and gorge it down. Same with meat. I remember being in the kitchen hiding from my dad who was in the living room, while I shoved curried chicken down my face at my aunts house. She makes some kick-ass curry chicken!
I remember never being able to have one whole pastry to eat, just a piece, or even piece of a doughnut. PIECE OF A FREAKIN' DOUGHNUT!!! Not a whole one, you're too fat. When I hit college, I gorged the hell out of chocolate bars, pastries, DOUGHNUTS. The feeling of having to hide and eat along with severe depression (severe for me at least, more on that in posts to come) was a bad combo.
I can now put the pieces together. All my life I was deprived of enjoying foods. Mind you the "bad" ones. I was always scrutinized over the things I ate. I had to hide to eat the things I wanted to eat and since I had to hide and eat it, it got out of control. It was my guilty pleasure. A place to escape from the world. Nobody else really cared about me, but this junk food makes me feel euphoric.
So I went on carrying this habit from life with my family to life with my wife. I do not need to report to her everything I eat and I don't. But when the things you eat effect the relationship, and you both know that is the reason, she has all the right to be upset with me for eating those two cookies.
Since that fateful day, I have a new routine when faced with a stress induced sugar craving:
1) pull up outside of the store I would but my junk fix from.
2) turn off the engine and radio.
3) take out my 1.5 litre bottle of water.
4) drink as much as I can.
5) close my eyes
6) take a deep breath.
7) say out loud, " I know I can have that (insert junk food here), but I choose not to."
8) drive away.
It helps.
Since I decided to turn my life around, cravings are still there but not as intense like before. Also, now everything is slowly falling into place. A eating regiment I can follow thanks to "The Gabriel Method" and the workouts with DDPYOGA.
Oh, and does my wife trust me when I say I did or did not eat a specific thing now?
Well, I can see some hesitation in her face at times, but trust takes time to build once it has been broken. So I am not 100% sure. Also, she sees that I am truly trying now.
No half-assed bullsh!t anymore!
