88 days

88 days, sober. 
88 days, without a hit.
88 days, challenge.
88 days, torment.
88 days, wanting to cheat.
88 days, having the opportunity to cheat.
88 days, remembering of what is important.
88 days, cravings intensify.
88 days, starting to feel like I will make it.

Some people do not seem to understand that food addiction is quite like alcohol addiction. It is a constant struggle and a pain in the ass!   I have trouble with will power.  After coming off an extreme (in my opinion) detox, knowing I can re-introduce foods was a great moment!  I could not wait to have some rice and peas, some good cooked foods, some REAL food!  But what happened was that little voice in my head, Gary, said, ''you can have some junk foods too, just a bit?  Maybe the healthier junk foods. No chips or fries, but what's wrong with just a burger?''  And I say out loud, ''NO!!''

I go to my acting class every Tuesday night. After class, I am so tempted to have a slice of pizza from the pizza place next door to the acting studio.  I manage to walk past it and get in my car.  But as I drive, Gary says, ''Just a bite of something!'' He tries to take control of the car and make me stop to buy something, but I have to overpower him and drive straight home. Sometimes I might have some carrot sticks and I would eat those, or I drown Gary with water to the point I feel so full I cannot eat even if I wanted to.

Another thing, would you expect to see a recovering alcoholic working in a bar?  Well that is my issue as well.  No, I do not drink and never was an alcoholic, what I mean is, I am an food addict and I work in a family owned Caribbean grocery store!  We sell so much good tasting things!

From hot Jamaican patties...

...to spice buns...

...to Trinidad style Doubles and Chicken roti!

 

 

Jamaican patties have about the same nutritional value as a Big Mac! I would eat 2 as a snack. The Spice bun would be breakfast, plain and simple.  Trinidad style doubles are SOOO good, those are the yellower ones in the pic.  They are curried chick peas between two slices of 'bread' called bara, that is deep fried. The roti is THE best!  It can be curried chicken or goat in a roti, which is like a huge pita bread but better!

 

So you see my dilemma! Especially when I am hungry at work.  There is also something called rock cakes (The pic I took did not come good.).  It is a huge coconut cookie that comes in 2-packs or 6-packs.  2-pack is a snack and 6-pack would be meal.  This is how I use to eat!  I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!

 

I will be leaving my job in January.  Not for these reasons of food addiction, but for other personal reasons and choices.  But to get away from the temptation would be a huge benefit to me as well.  Think of the smell of your favourite food. Smell it everyday and constantly have to make the choice not to eat it. 

 

88 days, done.

88 days, over.

88 days, deep breathing.

88 days, one day at a time.

88 days, just the beginning.

October Update

As of October 1 2013 I am down to 289 pounds!  It is not a staggering amount of weight lost since July 1 2013, where I weighed in at 307 pounds, but a pound lost is a pound lost!  I am turning up the workouts for October and I will have a better loss for Novembers weigh-in.  Also, pictures will be coming soon!  I had to re-take pictures since my old computer with all my pics is not working anymore! 

This was also suppose to me a video update but I have been under the weather lately with a flu and now got some sort of virus today.  But NO EXCUSES! This is not going to hold me back!  I will post a vid soon, pictures coming within the next few days or hours too. 

Eating without fear, guilt, shame OR TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE!!!

You may or may not have come across my blog post from last year around this same time,
http://thislifebeginsnow.blogspot.ca/2012/08/the-day-my-wife-caught-me-cheating.html.  It is about me and how my wife caught me cheating on my diet and how it has really effected me/us and my promise to NEVER do it again! (I notice I am a big fat hypocrite after typing this!)

Well, fast forward to this past end of June and my wife finds out that I was doing it again.  Eating other foods outside, like junk foods and I mean the worst kinds! So she did a one-on-one intervention with me.  She wanted me to do a Raw food detox and that since she is a health coach, to let her help me.  I said ok for different reasons.  I wanted to make a change in my diet but going on the raw food detox, well, I did it mainly because she wanted me to.  I felt like I owed it to her to do the detox, but along the way, I saw it as I NEEDED to do this to save my life! NOT JOKING! My life depended on it.  And I am thankful I have such a supportive wife to help me on my journey.

I have done raw before for 30 days and it was fine, but this time was hard.  I wanted to cheat SO SO bad, but I know how much I have riding on my this.  I have not lost a huge amount of weight since doing the raw food detox and I think that is mostly because of toxins in my body.  But I have finished with the detox this past Saturday and re-introduce cooked foods back into my eating plan.  So this week, I had a cauliflower mash.  It is a mashed potato replacement.  It was so good, but I ate too much of it for my first day back on cooked foods and my stomach was heavy!  I will stick with the green juices everyday and sometimes smoothies too.

But all this to say, I have finally come to see that for the past 35 years, I have always been eating to please others.  There lies the fear of being caught when eating out. The guilt of knowing I should not be having that piece of cake.  The shame felt when it is found out by people I love and I feel that I 'let them down.'

The past two Wednesdays, I was doing a First Aid class for work.  I took my smoothie and my green juice with me.  Nearby is the Atwater Market, where they have fresh farmers produce, fresh meats, a bakery and a real nice gourmet pizza place!  Yes, I could have eaten junk, but I didn't.  Yes, I could be lying to you right now, but I'm not. This blog is here to keep me accountable for the things I do! To potentially help someone else by seeing my flaws on my journey. 

I did buy something though, I bought a container of fresh strawberries! No it was not organic but I ate it without any hesitation!  I ate it consciously and savoured every bite.  For that half hour I was eating strawberries I felt free.  Liberated.  I know what I am doing THIS TIME! This time, I am eating for me!  Anyone, ANYONE else can get mad, sad, upset or whatever other emotion you can think of, over what I eat.  BUT I will not eat something or refrain from eating something because of someone else.  NOT ANYMORE!!! I had non-organic strawberries and I enjoyed it GUILT FREE!  Now, you might be thinking, 'what is the big deal with non-organic strawberries?'  The 'big deal' is that I just finished a DETOX and eating non-organic is putting the chemicals back into me!  That's why.  But what is done is done and I have no regrets.

 

I know that Thanksgiving is coming up, as well as the holiday season.  I will make my choices as to what I eat out.  I will make conscious decisions.  I am tired of avoiding going to certain social gatherings because of wanting to look good and not eat certain things.  I will eat the foods I know is best for me.  The grilled veggies, the salad, a piece of chicken.  NOT the mashed potatoes and gravy or the dinner rolls.  But this is not tomorrow or even the day after!  I am still doing the reintroduction of foods for the next couple of weeks. One food at a time, so quinoa tomorrow, then detox for a day, then chick-peas the other day and detox the day after that.  So I can see if the foods I reintroduce effect me in any way.  Last time I did raw, over a year ago, after that, I had my mothers rice and peas and I was ready to pass out like it was Thanksgiving dinner!  So I want to see how each food effects me.

Now I choose to eat with pleasure.  I totally savoured these strawberries.  I wanted it all week long.  That morning when I woke up, I was patiently waiting for noon so I could go have my strawberry orgasm.  I did and I enjoyed it!

Here is the cauliflower mash recipe: http://spiritedgreenmama.com/2013/09/22/cauliflower-madness/

WHY have goals and rewards

Last night I posted about setting goals and having rewards.  Today, I was asked why.  Questions like, 'Rewards seems so childish.  Do you as an adult really NEED a reward?  Why? Why can't you just attain your goal and let that be the end of it?'  Well here is why. 

First let me start with goals.  Everyone should have goals in life.  No matter what your age, gender, capabilities, WHATEVER!  Goals are needed.  Think for a minute if you had no goals to attain.  Would you feel fulfilled?  Would you feel happy?  Just living from day to day without any point, without any direction?  That is no way to live. Trust me, I know!  For the longest while in my life, I did not set any goals.  Just went to work, came home, ate, slept.  What kind of life is that?  Seems pretty boring... and it was. 

With goals, it gives me the feeling of accomplishing something.  It makes me feel important.  It gives me purpose.  I feel alive with goals.  To look ahead and see in the horizon, my goal being attained.  To look back and see the road that got me here.  To look at where I am going AND to openly accept that hurdles will show up and it is up to me on how to jump over it, or stumble, fall down and get back up again.  Goals give me a drive, it makes me feel alive, it makes me feel important.

Now for the childish topic of rewards. Rewards do not have to be an extravagant thing.  Make it something small.  My example was that of going to see a movie or watch a television program.  If you are going to do those things anyways, why not make it a reward for attaining a goal?  It will be much more pleasurable to know you had to work for it.  I have not gone out to see a movie in the longest while! But with the goals and rewards it gives me something to look forward to.  I was already planning on watching the Doctor Who Special online in November, so why not make it a reward? If I do not reach my goal, well, no Doctor Who!  It is something I really want to see and since I put it as a reward it will really help me to stay focused and achieve my goal. 

Think of a boxer, his goal is to be the best! The reward is the title belt, money, fame and women! Ok money, fame and women are kind of a second reward, but in his goal to be the best, to be the top boxer, the reward is standing tall with the title belt wrapped around his waist.  The belt represents that he has attained his goal of being the best.  It makes his view on his uphill battle all the more worthwhile.

Rewards, when kept reasonable, can be a great motivating factor! It is for me.  Is it childish?  Maybe and that is ok with me. Because with goals and rewards I feel alive and I am enjoying my life. 

I know I could have easily edited my last post and put this on there too, but I think this information was worthy of its own post.

My discussion with Gary

A 'sit down' talk with Gary.

The vid ends kind of abruptly at the end, my mobile ran out of space, but I was done anyways! 

Was just saying at the end, that I might not do a video tomorrow but I will see and go with the flow!

The day 'Gary' kicked my ass!

My confrontation with Gary!

Who is Gary?  Gary is the voice in your head that tells you that you cannot do something and puts doubt into your mind!

Right after doing this video, I realised that Gary is trying to protect me from failure in his own unique way! So Thank you Gary for being so caring, but it is ok.  I got this!

August Update and revelation inspired by the words of Glenn Morshower

A spur of the moment vid!

A vid from my time in LA. It is a bit long but it all comes from the heart!

 

Give me something SWEET to eat!

As you know, I am doing a raw food detox...

Friday morning however I nearly gave in to cooked foods and ate out.  After breakfast, which was a green smoothie, I got a headache.  It felt like someone gently squeezing. Like you would squeeze a cantaloupe, but this squeezing would last over an hour!  This was occurring while I was at work picking up the fresh produce from the market area.  Near the market area, there is a Lebanese place I would ALWAYS eat at! They got chicken cooked with rice and almonds, fish and veggies, paella with lots of shrimp, etc.!  It all sounds good, but it is in some serious oil! I mean, greasy!

Once I got the headache my mind/body was just craving INTENSELY something cooked! Something from that place!  I drove right to the store and sat in the car.  I downed a half a litre of water and asked myself what the hell was I about to do!  This food was what caused me to get overweight and sick in the first place!  I am on meds for hypertension, so with one of the meds, I need to urinate quite frequently after taking it in the morning.   The lil' fat evil voice in my head said, ''Well, just go in and use the washroom.'' 

To which I replied, ''Yeah right! I know what is going to happen! I'm gonna go in there and YOU will start begging me for something to eat!'' (Yes, I speak to myself when alone!) 

I closed my eyes and thought about the taste and texture of the food I would buy from there.  The warm soft chicken, surrounded by rice and tasty crunchy roasted almonds! Hmmm!

Then, I thought of how I feel after eating it.  The warm oil, coating my throat.  Even water cannot wash it down! The lack of energy I feel after eating it. It seriously makes me physically tired!  So I started up the car and drove off before my lil' fat inner demon could try to convince me again! 

That was the morning! Now for the afternoon!  Well, my lil' inner fat demon was really after me now! After lunch my body was really craving sweet!  I drove past the bakery, ice-cream shop yelling at my inner demon to stop telling me to turn in and get something!  When I went home, I was watering the garden with my daughter and she was picking raspberries.  I took one, and it was the SWEETEST thing I ate in a long time! Usually I never eat raspberries, but this one was so good! 

Now, as for what I noticed.

For the morning and the cooked food craving during the headache.  I believe that since I started the detox, that this was a symptom of the detox and the fat cells crying out for something to hold on to.  Also, my memory cells remember that whenever in pain or discomfort, I was raised with food as a remedy. 

For the afternoon and the sweet craving, maybe it was my fat cells crying out to me to compensate for 'being good' in the morning and not eating out.  But I was more surprised at how I just savoured the raspberry!  To me, it was the best raspberry ever! AND my sweet craving subdued.  It did not go away completely, but enough so that I did not have to yell at my inner demon to shut-up! 

Anyhow, my sweet craving was fulfilled on Saturday when my lovely wife make a completely raw foods style zucchini cake complete with raw icing for my birthday.  It was gluten free, dairy free, refined sugar free BUT so tasty my kids and parents loved it! 

Thanks honey!