88 days

88 days, sober. 
88 days, without a hit.
88 days, challenge.
88 days, torment.
88 days, wanting to cheat.
88 days, having the opportunity to cheat.
88 days, remembering of what is important.
88 days, cravings intensify.
88 days, starting to feel like I will make it.

Some people do not seem to understand that food addiction is quite like alcohol addiction. It is a constant struggle and a pain in the ass!   I have trouble with will power.  After coming off an extreme (in my opinion) detox, knowing I can re-introduce foods was a great moment!  I could not wait to have some rice and peas, some good cooked foods, some REAL food!  But what happened was that little voice in my head, Gary, said, ''you can have some junk foods too, just a bit?  Maybe the healthier junk foods. No chips or fries, but what's wrong with just a burger?''  And I say out loud, ''NO!!''

I go to my acting class every Tuesday night. After class, I am so tempted to have a slice of pizza from the pizza place next door to the acting studio.  I manage to walk past it and get in my car.  But as I drive, Gary says, ''Just a bite of something!'' He tries to take control of the car and make me stop to buy something, but I have to overpower him and drive straight home. Sometimes I might have some carrot sticks and I would eat those, or I drown Gary with water to the point I feel so full I cannot eat even if I wanted to.

Another thing, would you expect to see a recovering alcoholic working in a bar?  Well that is my issue as well.  No, I do not drink and never was an alcoholic, what I mean is, I am an food addict and I work in a family owned Caribbean grocery store!  We sell so much good tasting things!

From hot Jamaican patties...

...to spice buns...

...to Trinidad style Doubles and Chicken roti!

 

 

Jamaican patties have about the same nutritional value as a Big Mac! I would eat 2 as a snack. The Spice bun would be breakfast, plain and simple.  Trinidad style doubles are SOOO good, those are the yellower ones in the pic.  They are curried chick peas between two slices of 'bread' called bara, that is deep fried. The roti is THE best!  It can be curried chicken or goat in a roti, which is like a huge pita bread but better!

 

So you see my dilemma! Especially when I am hungry at work.  There is also something called rock cakes (The pic I took did not come good.).  It is a huge coconut cookie that comes in 2-packs or 6-packs.  2-pack is a snack and 6-pack would be meal.  This is how I use to eat!  I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!

 

I will be leaving my job in January.  Not for these reasons of food addiction, but for other personal reasons and choices.  But to get away from the temptation would be a huge benefit to me as well.  Think of the smell of your favourite food. Smell it everyday and constantly have to make the choice not to eat it. 

 

88 days, done.

88 days, over.

88 days, deep breathing.

88 days, one day at a time.

88 days, just the beginning.

Eating without fear, guilt, shame OR TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE!!!

You may or may not have come across my blog post from last year around this same time,
http://thislifebeginsnow.blogspot.ca/2012/08/the-day-my-wife-caught-me-cheating.html.  It is about me and how my wife caught me cheating on my diet and how it has really effected me/us and my promise to NEVER do it again! (I notice I am a big fat hypocrite after typing this!)

Well, fast forward to this past end of June and my wife finds out that I was doing it again.  Eating other foods outside, like junk foods and I mean the worst kinds! So she did a one-on-one intervention with me.  She wanted me to do a Raw food detox and that since she is a health coach, to let her help me.  I said ok for different reasons.  I wanted to make a change in my diet but going on the raw food detox, well, I did it mainly because she wanted me to.  I felt like I owed it to her to do the detox, but along the way, I saw it as I NEEDED to do this to save my life! NOT JOKING! My life depended on it.  And I am thankful I have such a supportive wife to help me on my journey.

I have done raw before for 30 days and it was fine, but this time was hard.  I wanted to cheat SO SO bad, but I know how much I have riding on my this.  I have not lost a huge amount of weight since doing the raw food detox and I think that is mostly because of toxins in my body.  But I have finished with the detox this past Saturday and re-introduce cooked foods back into my eating plan.  So this week, I had a cauliflower mash.  It is a mashed potato replacement.  It was so good, but I ate too much of it for my first day back on cooked foods and my stomach was heavy!  I will stick with the green juices everyday and sometimes smoothies too.

But all this to say, I have finally come to see that for the past 35 years, I have always been eating to please others.  There lies the fear of being caught when eating out. The guilt of knowing I should not be having that piece of cake.  The shame felt when it is found out by people I love and I feel that I 'let them down.'

The past two Wednesdays, I was doing a First Aid class for work.  I took my smoothie and my green juice with me.  Nearby is the Atwater Market, where they have fresh farmers produce, fresh meats, a bakery and a real nice gourmet pizza place!  Yes, I could have eaten junk, but I didn't.  Yes, I could be lying to you right now, but I'm not. This blog is here to keep me accountable for the things I do! To potentially help someone else by seeing my flaws on my journey. 

I did buy something though, I bought a container of fresh strawberries! No it was not organic but I ate it without any hesitation!  I ate it consciously and savoured every bite.  For that half hour I was eating strawberries I felt free.  Liberated.  I know what I am doing THIS TIME! This time, I am eating for me!  Anyone, ANYONE else can get mad, sad, upset or whatever other emotion you can think of, over what I eat.  BUT I will not eat something or refrain from eating something because of someone else.  NOT ANYMORE!!! I had non-organic strawberries and I enjoyed it GUILT FREE!  Now, you might be thinking, 'what is the big deal with non-organic strawberries?'  The 'big deal' is that I just finished a DETOX and eating non-organic is putting the chemicals back into me!  That's why.  But what is done is done and I have no regrets.

 

I know that Thanksgiving is coming up, as well as the holiday season.  I will make my choices as to what I eat out.  I will make conscious decisions.  I am tired of avoiding going to certain social gatherings because of wanting to look good and not eat certain things.  I will eat the foods I know is best for me.  The grilled veggies, the salad, a piece of chicken.  NOT the mashed potatoes and gravy or the dinner rolls.  But this is not tomorrow or even the day after!  I am still doing the reintroduction of foods for the next couple of weeks. One food at a time, so quinoa tomorrow, then detox for a day, then chick-peas the other day and detox the day after that.  So I can see if the foods I reintroduce effect me in any way.  Last time I did raw, over a year ago, after that, I had my mothers rice and peas and I was ready to pass out like it was Thanksgiving dinner!  So I want to see how each food effects me.

Now I choose to eat with pleasure.  I totally savoured these strawberries.  I wanted it all week long.  That morning when I woke up, I was patiently waiting for noon so I could go have my strawberry orgasm.  I did and I enjoyed it!

Here is the cauliflower mash recipe: http://spiritedgreenmama.com/2013/09/22/cauliflower-madness/

Realization in the metro

This past Tuesday I started an acting class and it was so much fun.  It was down-town and the teacher told me it would be better to take public transit than to drive because of parking.  Well several things happened with my journey in the Montreal transit system.

First, this was the first time in years (8 years minimum) since I took bus and metro in Montreal.  Usually I drive everywhere I need to go.  So there was some changes, mostly with the method of payment.  There is a new card called an OPUS pass.  Well, my wife had one and told me to just put some money on it and away I go on the metro.  I went to the teller and she said that the card is expired.  How can a card you need to charge up be expired?  She said it expired last year and to just throw it away.  She can sell me a new OPUS card for $6, plus whatever amount of money I want to put on it.  But a one-way pass is $3. So I just bought a one-way pass and off I went.  The metro seemed to have gotten dirtier in the past couple of years. Mostly graffiti and old news papers flying around.  On the plus side was an automated voice that stated the name of each up coming station.

On my way back home I could not get over how many people had earphones on that were connected to cellphones.  Nearly everybody was either listening to music or playing games or reading on their mobile devices.  Ok, when I was in school, we all had a Walkman (remember those?) or cd players.  But hardly anybody was sitting still just 'being.'  It was interesting to look around at everyone and see the trouble they have to just disconnect and BE.  Luckily for me I forgot my earphones at home and could not listen to music on my journey.  Especially on the bus, people without earphones would continually look at their cellphones from time to time. 

Yes, at times I have trouble disconnecting as well.  But not to the point of obsession.  I do not have a data plan on my phone, so if there is no free Wi-Fi well, my phone is just a phone! There are games and music on it, but I am not constantly on it and I do not have time or patience for a game.  It really feels good to just be sitting there, or better yet, go for a walk without the distraction.  I love going for a walk with my phone in my pocket and no earphones on.  Just letting my mind be free to wander, to look around and truly see the sights around me, to consciously take a deep breath and feel the freshness of the air and most importantly, hear any oncoming traffic as I cross a street!

The last realisation I had was how bad out of shape I am in! Oh man! Time to turn up the dial on my workouts!  The travelling was fun, just too late for me.  Being the father of two girls, I am home early and in bed even earlier.  So when the class is over and I travel back home, 10:30 at night feels like 2am for me.  But that is not the out of shape part.  The out of shape part came the next day when both my legs were sore!  My calves were hurting going up and down a flight of stairs! Even sitting on the toilet was hard to do.  I decided to make my workouts better and modify less.  So instead of stepping up from down-dog position to bent barback, I started jumping up.  Instead of 3-count push-ups on the knees, I started 3-count push-ups no knees unless absolutely necessary.

As for the acting class now, that was a blast!  I had so much fun and I cannot wait for Tuesday's now.  It really got me out of my comfort zone. There was even a point when the teacher called upon me to present first.  That was hard for me.  But I got up there, did my thing and it was great!  This was only the first class!  Going from a shy guy to a more confident guy seems like a fun journey!  What changes and revelations will next class bring!

Flipping the switch

So just like that, overnight, like the flip of a switch, I went from pissed off, angriest person on the planet, to smiling and laughing, enjoying and embracing life. (I seriously think something is wrong with me!)

You all know (cause I keep posting about it), about the Kyle Cease Event I went to in July.  Kyle Cease said he challenges all of us in attendance to do something for 90 days consecutively and see the benefits.  If you do not go through with it, you have to do something you do not want to do.  For example, let's say you're vegan and you decide to meditate for 90 days; if not, then eat a steak.  Got it? Ok, good.  Well, one of the people I met there decided to post a 90 day vlog about how his life is changing since the event.

I watched his Day 44 of 90 video and half way through it, I just started to smile and laugh. Here it is:

 

 

Well, after listening to his words, I got this song stuck in my head:

 





 

 

Well, it was really the Ned Flanders version from The Simpsons that got stuck in my head, but I could not find that video, but you get my point!  I also called up a friend of mine I have not seen in quite some time.  He is the one person I can VENT to, I mean really VENT to and not worry about what I say or how many profanities I let out.  Well, he was at work, but at this time, I did not need to vent, just wanted to know when he was free to meet up.  (Next week.)  He is great for me to vent with, but sometimes he can be a little negative towards me as well.  So I limit my exposure. It's like being in the sun.  For a short period of time, you absorb vitamin D but too long and you will get burned!

 

Then, This morning I listened to the www.ddpradio.com call from last night, and they are discussing my last post before this one!  About emotional gravity and how to deal with it.  They read my post and commented about it.  While they read it, it made me a little choked up to hear my words being read out, but at the same time, I had the thought in my head, ''God, I sound like a little whiney bitch!''  They said, they all understand where I was coming from and gave great tips like joining a Jujitsu class to help alleviate the anger I had stored up in me from the days of being bullied.  Then DDP commented...

 

DDP gave some great advice for dealing with the negativity, but then he called me out on the comment I made about the yoga and meditation not working for me.  He said that was bullshit!  (His words, not mine!)  I understand his comment though.  I was doing the workouts, but since I was stuck in my head, I let the negativity prevail and said I could not do better.  I have been feeling very tired for about the last 3 weeks or so.  My workouts were more like traditional yoga and not DDP YOGA.  So I was beating myself up over that.  But I also think that since I was stuck in my head, I did not try to push harder than what I felt I was capable of doing.  So yes, bullshit on me!

 

Today was great though.  I was not pissed off, my head felt clear and my workout today was amazing!  I did Diamond Cutter and my heart-rate was an average of 138!  It is funny how once I let go of the negativity, how light I felt. 

 

So to everybody on www.teamddpyoga.com, the ddpyoga group on Facebook, and all my fellow Kylego-ers, Thank you all for your words of support!...and DDP, if you read this, this was no bullshit! 

Hump in the road

This past weekend was quite the setback and a great reminder of where I was coming from and where I want to get to.

Since Sunday, I have been a little 'off.'  My mood, my attitude, my workouts, my outlook, everything was the old me.  It was my first 'bad' day (more like bad 4 days) since the Kyle Cease Event in mid-July, so about a month ago. 

I went from feeling like I was on top of my game, to feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Just frustrated but I did not know why.  So for the meditation that night it was really hard to clear my mind.  I physically felt uncomfortable sitting to do my meditation, as if my body did not want me to.  I did some deep breathing but was getting more angry with myself.  More impatient, more frustrated.  I ended up sitting there for an hour pissed off.  Then tossed and turned myself to sleep in bed. 

The next morning, I was feeling a bit better.  But I was attracting some MAJOR negativity around me!  It felt like it was the day of, me versus EVERY ASSHOLE ON THE ROAD!  Some guy changing lanes on the highway without indicating, not even looking in his blind-spot and I had to hit the breaks... and the horn like a pissed off ass! Then another guy, did not even stop at the stop sign, in a parking lot, at the same time I am making a left turn right in front of him! Then almost getting run over by a guy talking on his cell phone while driving and decided to roll through the stop sign.  Of course, I slammed my hand on the hood of his car (as if that would save me!) and yelled at him for being an idiot! 

And we all know what happens!  That the person gets the glare-stare-down, that shows I am pissed off with you, but I will do nothing and not let it go either, except look at you with my face all contorted and disfigured from being pissed off and my eye-brows nearly touching!  So they drive off and forget about me within 2 seconds whereas I remain pissed off for the whole day!

Thankfully, I realized what was going on with me and that I was attracting these events.  I stopped in a parking lot, turned off my vehicle and did some deep breathing and told myself, I need to do an emergency meditation session RIGHT NOW, before I drive off, because I need to let this go NOW in order to enjoy the rest of my day. 

So I did the meditation and felt better afterwards.  Not 100% better, but enough to not attract bad drivers!  During the meditation, I sat down with my inner voice 'Gary' and asked him, what was going on and he said,  ''Hey, don't look at me, this was all you!'' And I realised he was right.  I chose to be pissed off and let things and circumstances effect me.

It is now Wednesday night and I decided tomorrow morning is a reboot of sorts.  I started the workouts for the DDP Yoga certification, but I need to drop back to basics and hit out a workout from the dvd set instead, for now.  Also, my mindset needs to be reset!  The leaping that is in the process, of moving soon to a location where the rent is more than double of what I pay now AND leaving the security of my family grocery store without even having another job lined up, well, it scares me.  Also, most people, with the exception of my wife and parents, all think I am either stupid or crazy.  But in the end, their opinion do not matter anyway.  What the hell have they ever done for me except hold me down with their negativity?  My wife and parents are the ones who tell me to move forward! I need more people like them in my life!

And I do!  The great people at www.teamddpyoga.com and on the Kylego groups on Facebook!  You guys are all so awesome! 

So I took 4 days to be in the 'poor me' attitude and mentality!  I think I needed that reminder in order to push harder.

I am off to start it now!  I am doing a kylego session with myself a year from now and then meditation! 

Oh, one last thing, there is nothing like doing a meditation session in the middle of the morning then listening to music blearing loud in the car while I drive at 100km/hr on the open highway! 

LOVE IT!

Eye brows almost touching!

My discussion with Gary

A 'sit down' talk with Gary.

The vid ends kind of abruptly at the end, my mobile ran out of space, but I was done anyways! 

Was just saying at the end, that I might not do a video tomorrow but I will see and go with the flow!

The day 'Gary' kicked my ass!

My confrontation with Gary!

Who is Gary?  Gary is the voice in your head that tells you that you cannot do something and puts doubt into your mind!

Right after doing this video, I realised that Gary is trying to protect me from failure in his own unique way! So Thank you Gary for being so caring, but it is ok.  I got this!